after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
