"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
there was a trapeze. enough said
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
