Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
