God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
