I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
a search helicopter?!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
