When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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