i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
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She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
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I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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