OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
