Tell her she can't have a vagina
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
