Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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