What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
