Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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