People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
