Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
