im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
