Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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