I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
