so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
