dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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