The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
