can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
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Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
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Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?