I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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