Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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