none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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