We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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