Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
