I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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