mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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