She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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