I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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