how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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