if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
