and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
handjob tips. give me some.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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