you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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