My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
