lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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