we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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