I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
