i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
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No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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