Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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