R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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