i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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