Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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