You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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