Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
