And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
