Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
