Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
