My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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