I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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