Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
