Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
