Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
