Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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