I will die if light touches me.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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