someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
