Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
