Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(862): View more from New Jersey

The worlds most fuckable chipmunk

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(862): The worlds most fuckable chipmunk http://tfl.nu/klow

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(312): View more from Illinois

Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job

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(312): Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job http://tfl.nu/iix6

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.

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(215): i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies. http://tfl.nu/atqm

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE

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(402): You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out? (1-402): WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE http://tfl.nu/6ukn

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes

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(610): Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes http://tfl.nu/106l

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(352): View more from Florida

i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.

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(352): i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so. http://tfl.nu/yfpa

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(630): I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons.... (1-630): which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father? http://tfl.nu/vh34

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(248): View more from Michigan

Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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(248): Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/ywit

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(256): from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot. (334): i do. http://tfl.nu/nohm

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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(513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(413): They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket. http://tfl.nu/y613

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I think winning the long island race means you lose at life

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(414): I think winning the long island race means you lose at life http://tfl.nu/iy8p

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(845): View more from New York

This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.

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(845): This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way. http://tfl.nu/f18r

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(949): View more from California

he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem

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(949): he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem http://tfl.nu/y96p

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?

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(918): He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS? http://tfl.nu/pnaa

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