I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
