You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
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Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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